The Drama & Defining Moment in Romantic Love

continued.....this is part II and III

The Drama
If you are stuck on a track that goes nowhere, you not growing. When you are not growing, your heart is not open and your spirit starts to shut down. In this emotional state you tend to vacillate from mania to numbness. Exiting is the only remedy for the sickness associated with this ride. You have probably tried many time-out talks that included “calls to action” where promises were made but never kept. That is because there is just enough good stuff to keep you around, mixed in with fear and intimidation. On the crazy train, there will be many moments of frustration, anxiety, tears and fears. In other words--- Drama. Why do you do the drama? Because you think it is amusing.

Drama is a key component of this kind of relationship. You will find passion here, in many ways that are important, like good sexual chemistry, etc. But there is another even more powerful passion at work. The kind that makes you go crazy, get defensive, throw tantrums, sulk and shut down. This is not the good kind of passion.

This kind of passion is left over childhood anger or rage from when we didn’t get our needs met. To attempt to resolve this ache in our hearts, we hook up with a partner and try like hell to get them met through that other person. What a trap---they are often perfectly wired to hit our hottest buttons.

Relationships teach us about ourselves. So this is good, because at any moment during the ride, you can wake up and make a different choice on how you want to respond. On this ride, you are in total control of how fast, slow, gut wrenching, heart pounding, and scary you will let it become. There will come a day when you will finally have had enough of the self-inflicted craziness. This day is your defining moment.

The Defining Moment
A defining moment for me came when I was journaling about my first husband. I found in the back of my journal a letter that was addressed to him that was four years old. In the letter, I was expressing the same concerns and requests that I was in the present. Ironically enough, the letter’s actual date was October 12, 2000. Our wedding was October 12, 2002. That means before I even got married, I knew the ride I was in for, but still I made the commitment. Now you are probably saying she should have seen it coming--” he wasn’t likely to change.

Who really knows? All I can say is I guess I hadn’t gotten the lesson yet, and needed to keep riding, and marriage was the only way I was really going to experience what I needed to experience. I’m sure I also had a romantic illusion that it would improve.

Wrong. The first year of marriage was awful---all the things in that letter were there magnified by ten! I could barely recognize this man. I was in shock and disbelief for the entire first year and kept thinking make it stop. Finally after riding along for another year, (and couple’s counseling) I had that moment when I was like what am I doing? I deserve more. This is not amusing and I need to get off this roller coaster ride.

Maybe you don’t even like roller coasters, but have been riding because your partner liked them. You do have a right to your own feelings and to say this ride is not for me. In fact, that is the bravest thing you can do. But if you do find yourself on the crazy train, realize that you have the power to make it stop.

Just exit the relationship. And do not get back in line for another ride!

In relationships, you always have 4 choices: stay put, move forward, go backward, or exit. If you want out, get out. Get clear on what you want next and what you have learned. And then make the decision to leave. Stick to it. Get extra support from friends and family. Do not allow him or her to talk you back into staying. It is just a ploy—after all, this is their favorite ride, look at all the cheap thrills they get at your expense!

This ride makes them feel good. But if you don’t feel good and enjoy the ride, it’s high time to go.

Getting off the Crazy Train roller coaster ride of relationships—Part I

Do you love amusement rides? When I was a girl growing up I loved roller coasters, the faster, more intense, the crazier the better. What a rush! What a thrill. I remember on my favorite, The Beast---I would get off and run to get back in line to do it all again. Pure adrenaline addiction. It was a teenage love affair between beauty and the beast. That was great when I was thirteen.

I mean, I really loved riding The Beast, but wouldnt want to do it every day for the rest of my life!

As an adult, I still have a need for excitement and thrills, so what is a girl to do? What everyone does for so-called excitement-- romantic relationships. By far, the wildest ride out there in Romantic Love Land is the infamous Crazy Train---where you will experience the thrill of excitement, anticipation, and expectation followed by the fall, where your stomach drops out, then you are racing through the darkness of the confusion tunnel, ending with the abrupt finish—all the while squealing with delight and fear.

A popular self-help definition of insanity is doing the same thing in the same way over and over expecting different results. Wow, is this ever true in many romantic relationships. We want love so badly that we are willing to ride a relationship out until it literally makes us sick. When we get used to the ups and downs of bad behavior and start to believe that is a normal way to have a relationship, we get a little crazy.

Modern love serves to help us grow and evolve---to raise our awareness/consciousness. If you feel stuck in a rut and can’t seem to move forward, or cannot feel peace and contentment---get off the ride and take a look around.

Chances are you got on the crazy train coaster instead of the smooth and peaceful looking one you saw in the brochure. This emotional roller coaster has lots of highs and lows, twists and turns, but yet just keeps running the same course again and again, never really evolving. You know you are in one if you have the reasons for fights and the scripts that go with them burned in your brain.

In other words, you are stuck on a ride you desperately want to change.

Beware
There is no changing it, only exiting from it.

***This is a 5 part series leading up to a Happy Valentines for YOU

The Cycle of Abuse in a Narcissistic Relationship

Continued from the special report I wrote in 2006 when I divorced the first NPD in my life.

Narcissistic men use the women in their lives to stay alive and feel good. In exchange for getting to be with them, you become a servant to His needs. He will want your complete submission to him, but you will hold back because you feel something is not quite right, and can’t seem to really trust him. You are right about these feelings, but are too far in the dark to see the truth. The cycle of abuse starts right you meet him and continues until you finally see the light.

The Seduction Stage
When you first meet him, the narcissistic man is quite mysterious. He has well- developed seduction techniques that can literally charm the pants right off you! The air of mystery adds to the excitement, as most women do desire to be taken and claimed by a real man. You blindly believe he is such a man, only to find out later and after much confusion, that he was only an actor playing a part.

Realize that you never really know a narcissist because he will only tell you what he wants you to know and reveals what is useful in winning you over. In the beginning, he will over-value you. He will make you feel like you are the most amazing woman. He will seduce you with dinner, massage, flowers, whatever it takes to get you under his spell. He will look right into your eyes and hypnotize you with sweet talk. Narcissists are masters at emotional manipulation, so it is easy to fall for it. Once you open and trust, you are in the lair.

The Abuse Stage
After awhile you will find that you are no longer seen as the chosen one, rather, you now receive the brunt of his constant frustration and anger about how life is not working out how he thinks it should be. You are the reason for everything that goes wrong. You are judged, blamed, criticized, made to feel inadequate, etc. Verbal attacks can lead to physical attacks.

A Narcissist man (and woman for that matter) is a master of manipulation and not capable of real human feelings. He studies human behavior and mimics emotions to get the desired reaction from other people. You will begin to think you are crazy or emotionally unstable because: 1). He tells you that 2). He can twist conversations around until you forget your initial concern.

You will be in shock and disbelief and wonder what you did to cause such mistreatment.

It is not your fault. He is an abuser. He has a disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

The Sustenance Stage

At this point, you are trapped in the lair trying to get your bearings. The abuse continues but now you are de-valued. He feels justified for abusing you. When he sees you, he sees what is on his inner screen (and it is not pretty!). No matter what you do, you will never be the equal and radiant co-star at the beginning of the movie. In fact, in his mind you have been demoted to personal assistant. You exist to do his bidding. What you do as a human being is not important or valued.

For instance, you are in business for yourself and you share that you got a new client. Instead of a normal response of “hey that’s great, tell me more.” You will hear something like how much are they going to pay? Why can’t you get more clients? To get any kind of respect at all, you have to produce---more money, more attention, more admiration. By now his addiction to you has grown and he requires more from his supplier. You are his drug. He needs more of you and yet does not value what he takes from you.

The sad thing is you were never valued in the first place.

If you suspect, you are involved in an NPD I implore you to do more research on it and emotional abuse. The best thing you can ever do for your soul is to LEAVE and run to the light of a New Day.

The Dark Side of Romantic Love: NPD

I am ending the second of a long-term relationship with someone that may have Narcisstic Personality Disorder. It's interesting, as they both were very similar...dark hair, Aquarians from the northeast. They also knew exactly what to say and do to get me to fall for them. The first lasted 8 years, the second, just 2, so I am definitely learning to see the signs ahead of time, and yet, feel disappointed to have re-created this pattern again.

I know that I am not alone, though, there may be many of you reading this right now who are feeling the drain of your positive and light filled-energy with someone who cannot access the center of their heart.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this Valentine's day you be involved in a battle of the wills instead of blessing of the souls and you may actually be sleeping with a modern-day vampire---otherwise known as a Narcissist. Because Narcissists are such great actors, they will convince you how much they care for you, leaving you lifeless before you see the light of day.

Sam Vaknin, a Narcissist who wrote the book, Malignant Self-Love has called narcissism the mental epidemic of the 21^st century and has said it insidiously infects people who have daily contact with a narcissist. The psychological definition of narcissism is an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy and behavior), with a strong need for admiration or adulation, a lack of empathy, usually beginning early in adulthood. Narcissists are overly obsessed with their image and are driven by their insatiable ego towards a ruthless and never-ending pursuit of gratification, dominance, and ambition. It comes with no surprise that 50-75% are male.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder that may be a result of childhood abuse from family, authority figures, or peers. There are two kinds of narcissists: cerebral (intelligence and academic achievements) and somatic (physical or sexual prowess of conquests). When you have NPD, there is no pill you can take to fix it. It is a condition you have to learn to live with and manage. Contrary to popular myth, a narcissist does not love himself, in fact, he often loathes himself and is thus driven to self-denial and bizarre coping mechanisms. A romantic relationship to someone with NDP is a source of life-giving energy that often leads to verbal and emotional abuse.

One tell-tale sign is not being able to get some of your important needs met....they will only give you what they want to give you and nothing more. You can ask until you are blue in the face and they just are unable to comprehend and respond in a kind-hearted manner.

***This is an excerpt of a special report, and you can email me if you would to receive the full report.

Next time I will reveal the stages of seduction that you will probably be drawn into.

Poems to Honor the Mystery of Love

I Love Love---Here are Two Poems in Honor of The Mystery of Love

Jewel of My Kingdom

Although I conquer all the earth,
Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is for me only one house;
And in that house, one room only;And in that room, a bed.
And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom---Sanskrit Poem

Excerpt from When Love Beckons by Kahlil Gibran

Love - wounds, love heals. Love is cruel, love is kind.
Love is mysterious, love is bold, love is gentle…
If you do not have love or love, you are not living.
Love is everything.
Succumb to love, Experience love, and you will have lived.
Then said Almitra, speak to us of love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

(To read the entire beautiful poem, go to the library and check out The Prophet)

In other words, you have to surrender your little self for the Big Self.
Let love have its way with you---give yourself to it with your entire being just for today and see the difference in how you feel.


With Love, Michelle